The Arabs and Greeks can take you back
O Mathematics, bane of high school pupils!
You are their source of misery and woe.
For their brains are in tizzy
--Except for those front row wizzes--
And their glazèd eyes are dizzy
(I can smell the neurons fizzing)
And the heated room is sizzling
From the foreboding sweat of
All the wicked cruel, infernal flames
Of grimly grinning devils,
Or all the torments in Hell's forbidden halls
With their screeching, engines of torment and woe;
All these found in Hell cannot compare
With the one most suited ill to me.
For the fallen angel here is armed
With textbooks of arithmetic,
Of calculus, theoretical theorems
Cartesian graphs and an abacus of doom.
In this chamber of utmost torment
My brain is stretched and wracked.
Cerebral juices bleed upon the floor.
The silent screamings of widened eyes
Gazing with horrified affright.
Mouths agape like senseless apes,
In bestial, dreadful terror.
Oh, men may praise your constancy and truth,
And laud your cool calculations,
Extolling your practicality and reliability.
But I, (bold poet that I am)
I decry your constant computations
As I denounce the calculating
Psychopathic serial killer.
For such as you are:
Murderer of Adolescent Brains.
Parametrical proofs and trigonomic monstrosities
Your base eights and twos
All are whirling, screaming Furies
Whipping 'round my brain.
Pulling, scratching, biting, searing
Sines and secants through my mind;
Sequences, sums and series'
Medusa's hissing, poisonous serpents
Turn my mind to stone.
I don't know ya
Nor do I wish the pleasure.
Derivatives, limits and infinities,
How they limit me!
These are frustrations
More poignant than pain
That reek awful havoc
On the teenager's brain.